8 Olympic Medal Categories I’m Taking it Upon Myself to Add

Olympic medals:  I’m handing my own out today, including Most Annoying Journalist Voice, Hottest Guy on the USA Swim Team, and Most Ridiculously Funny Summer Olympics Sport. Read on to find out who wins and who places.

 

1. Most Annoying Journalist Voice in the 2008 Summer Olympics

• Olympic Gold — Whoever That Chick is Who Announces Synchronized Diving.  With a Nancy-Grace-like twang reminiscent of nails on a chalkboard, this Olympic announcer’s voice wins a gold medal for most irritating in the world. People are watching synchronized diving on mute because of her.
• Olympic Silver — Alex Flanagan of CNBC.  This female Olympic journalist is beautiful, but she talks from the back of her throat. Possibly a close relative of Kermit the Frog; we’re running the DNA tests now.  
• Olympic Bronze — Mary Carillo.  NBC Olympic correspondent, Mary Carillo, does those great, short segments on Chinese culture. Good journalist, terrible voice. It’s disconcerting to hear a man’s voice coming out of a woman’s body. I’m still a little startled by it every time I hear her speak, even though I’m expecting it now. 

2. Hottest Guy on the 2008 USA Olympic Swim Team

• Olympic Gold — Matt Grevers.  In a surprise upset, Michael Phelps doesn’t get the gold this time. Instead, it goes to blonde 6’7″ cutie and real-life Olympic medalist, Matt Grevers, who won silver for the 100-meter backstroke.
• Olympic Silver — Ben Wildman-Tobriner.  Biomechanical engineer, Stanford grad, and future doctor, USA Olympic swimmer Ben Wildman-Tobriner hasn’t won any Olympic medals in the pool, but he gets the silver from me on sheer good looks.
• Olympic Bronze — Ryan Lochte and Michael Phelps.  In a tie for the bronze medal are Ryan Lochte and Michael Phelps. Ryan Lochte is best known for his sense of humor, quirky personality, and individual fashion sense. Michael Phelps is best known for being Michael Phelps.

3. Most Fun 2008 Summer Olympic Athletes to Watch

• Olympic Gold — Michael Phelps.  Whether he’s sliding into the top spot by 1/100th of a second or wildly cheering on his Olympic teammates, Olympic phenomenon Michael Phelps is not only a swimming machine, he’s also a sure crowd pleaser.
• Olympic Silver — Misty May Treanor & Kerri Walsh.  The May Walsh Olympic volleyball team seems to be unstoppable. The impossible plays Misty May and Kerri Walsh make are exciting to watch, and their deep friendship is evident on the court, which makes them an even more likeable pair.
• Olympic Bronze — Girls Chinese Olympic Team.  It’s apparent to anyone with eyes that most of the Chinese 2008 Womens Summer Olympics gymnastics team is not even close to the required competing age of 16. But two things they definitely are: cute and talented. If 12-year-olds can perform world class gymnastics like that (and obviously they can), then perhaps the minimum age to qualify for Olympic gymnastics should be lowered. Which doesn’t in any way excuse the Chinese government’s lack of integrity during the 2008 Olympic gymnastics event, but I did enjoy watching those little girls, and the girls themselves have a lot to be proud of.

4. Most Ridiculously Funny Summer Olympics Sport

• Olympic Gold, Silver, and Bronze all go to — Speed Walking.  Also takes the gold for gayest sport ever. They’re getting rid of softball and keeping Olympic Speed Walking? Really??

5. Most Painfully Slow Summer Olympic Event to Watch

• Olympic Gold — Waterpolo.  I put my tivo on the first speed, and it was still too slow.
• Olympic Silver — Cycling.  Unless someone falls spectacularly like the Korean cyclist did during the126km race, watching people pedal puts me into a coma.
• Olympic Bronze — Marathon.  Can be grueling for both the runner and the audience. Although seeing if the 2008 Olympic runners drop dead from the insane amount of pollution in China might add an extra element of excitement to the 2008 Olympic games.

6. Most Underrated Summer Olympics Sport

By far, the “field” part of track and field is one of the more interesting areas of Olympic sports, yet we see a lot of track getting coverage on television, and very little field. It’s a shame this part of sports isn’t given more air time. Here are some deserving yet short-changed sports that need more media attention:

• Olympic Gold — Pole Vaulting.  The people who do this daring and dangerous sport are always a little bit crazy; they have to be. There are so many ways to get hurt in pole vaulting, a sport where you’re upside down and perpindicular to the ground at one point, with no mat beneath you, flinging yourself into the air on a bendy, breakable stick.
• Olympic Silver — Javelin.  There’s something inspiring about a sport that was probably played at the very first Olympics. The Olympic Javelin throw also has that cool, barbaric, Spartan “300” thing going for it.
• Olympic Bronze — Hammer Throw.  I’d be afraid to be in the live audience on this one, but the Olympic Hammer Throw is a fascinating sport to watch…from a distance.

7. Olympic Athlete Most Likely to Say “You Know” 100 or More Times During a 3-minute Interview

• Olympic Gold — Michael Phelps.  Yet again, the gold goes to, you know, Michael Phelps.

And last but not least…

8. Best Blog Post About the Olympics

• Olympic Gold — This One.  Really? I won? Oh my gosh, I can’t believe it! What a huge and unexpected honor.
• Olympic Silver — Campus Squeeze.  And the silver goes to: We Get It Already: 14 Olympic Stories We’re Tired of Hearing.
• Olympic Bronze — Some Blog in Chinese.  This blog post might not actually be about the Olympics; it’s in Chinese, and I’m too lazy to run it through a translator. It features a photo of Michael Phelps in a mermaid costume, though. So on that alone, it gets the bronze.

Did I forget anything? Award your own Olympic medals in the comments section.

If you liked this post, you might also like:  2008 Summer Olympics: The Short Version – The Games in Rhyme

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