Why I Didn’t Follow You Back On Twitter

You followed me on Twitter but I haven’t followed you back.  What gives?  Is there a technical glitch, did I not see your follow, or am I just a stuck-up wench who is snubbing you?  Here are 30 reasons why I didn’t follow you back on Twitter.  Do any of these describe you…

1. You’re a Self-Promoting Machine.  Every tweet asks me to “check out” something that has to do with you making money off of me, whether it’s a speaking engagement, interview, or your own website.  This is especially disappointing when writers do it, as I love to follow writers back.  But not when they annoy me with pages and pages of self-aggrendizing spam.

2. Every Tweet is a Link to Your Blog.  Why don’t I just bookmark your blog then?  What is the point of even being on Twitter?  Linking back to your own site is fine, just not in every single tweet.  About 1 self-link per 20 tweets is a good rule of thumb.

3. You Cuss–A Lot.  Okay, I admit it.  I swear in real life.  And I don’t mind it in literature or movies so long as it fits the story line.  But for some reason, cussing on twitter is just not kosher.  I’m not sure why.  You can do it every once in a while to get it out of your system, but if every other tweet contains profanity, I just don’t want to hear what you have to say because what you have to say is kind of nasty.

4. Dis And Dat.  You say “da” in place of “the” or “dat” in place of “that.”  If I get to a “da” or a “dat,” I don’t read any further.  There is nothing cool about looking like an illiterate moron.  Whoever told you there was, lied.  Stop doing “dat.”

5. You Have a Sticky Shift Key.  You have RaNDom caPiTaLs in your posts.  Why go out of your way to make your tweets difficult to read?  Isn’t the whole point to have other people read them?  OR YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS.  Maybe people did that in the 80’s when they were just getting used to computer keyboards, but there is no excuse to do it now.  Stop shouting at me.  I’m right here.

6. Your Avatar is Ugly And It Freaks Me Out.  I don’t care if you are homely looking.  That’s not what I’m talking about.  And I’m sorry that God gave you bad DNA.  But some people purposely put up ugly or freaky photos.  I’m all for artistic expression, but if your avatar is something I don’t want to stare at all day, then I’m not going to follow you.

7. Your Avatar is Nasty And It Freaks Me Out.  I don’t want to see a picture of your butt, your cleavage, or your butt cleavage.  Euuuwwe.  What about a photo of a nice sunset?

8. You Post A Lot of Hate Tweets.  You target a celebrity or random twitter user and tweet pages of hate messages at them.  If they bug you that much, don’t talk to them.  If they’re talking to you, block them.  If you absolutely must blast them, say it in 140 characters and then shut up.

9. You Never Talk to Anyone.  You’re carrying on a running monologue.  I looked at two pages of your Twitter account and not once did you engage with anyone else, retweet, or have a conversaton.  Newsflash:  it’s not always all about you.

10. I Can’t Read Your Page.  Your font is light gray, light pink, or light yellow.  What are you thinking??  I can’t read that.  You might be super cool in every other way, but if you’re too stupid to use a readable font, then we can never be friends. 

11. You Talk About Sports.  A lot.  Unless it’s the Olympics, I’m not a fan.  A few sporty posts are fine, but what else are you into?

12. You Talk About Politics.  A lot.  You are way smarter than I am, and I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I can’t hang out with you.

13. You’re Gross.

14. You Call People Honey. Or sweety. Or, the worst offence of all, tweetheart.  You might think that’s cute, but trust me, it’s not.  If you’ve been talking to someone for a long time and you feel especially fond of them, then throw in a “honey” every now and then.  But if you do it habitually, then I can’t read your page without gagging, so it’s a no-follow for you.

15. You Have Your Own Special Tag.  You add a little tag to the end of all your tweets.  It might be your name or a cutesy word or a tagline you made up.  You think it makes you memorable and makes your tweets stand out.  And it does, just not in a good way.  I can see your name right by your tweet, I know who you are, you don’t need a tagline.

16. Your Tweets Start with “Is.”  Maybe you’re auto-updating from MySpace.  I don’t know.  All I know is that tweets that start with “is” are awkward to read on Twitter.  So stop it.

17. You Have Nothing Original To Say.  Ninety-nine percent of your posts are news links or retweets  or quotes.  Worse, they are quotes you’re not crediting to the original source.  I want to hear from you.  What are you doing right now?  What are you hopes, dreams, fears?  Talk to me.

18. You’re The Mayor of Whatever.  A large number of your tweets are automatically generated.  Things like:  what you just became the mayor of, what survey you just took and which Twilight character you are, how you’re doing in the mafia, or the GPS coordinates of where you’re currently at.  If that last one fits you, then don’t worry.  I’m not going to follow you from this account, but I’ll follow you from my other one…the one where I track people dumb enough to tell me their exact coordinates all day long so that I can easily burglarize their homes.  Thanks in advance for all the nice stuff.

19. You Have One-Sided Conversations.  You have lots to say, and you talk to many other Twitter users.  Good for you!  But you never reference the original comment, so I have no idea what you’re talking about when you reply to others.  I don’t want my stream filled up with a bunch of tweets that make no sense to me.  Let me in on the conversation.  I might have something to add.

20. Say What’d You Say?  I have no idea what you just said.  You’re either so intelligent that your conversations are way over my head or you have some sort of mental disorder that prevents you from forming a coherent sentence.  Either way, I can’t connect with you.

21. Many of Your Tweets are in Another Language.  I’m lazy.  I’m sorry.  I’m not going to run your tweets through a translator.  You’re probably really interesting–I’ll never know.  My loss.

22. You’re An Idiot.  You have lots of one-word or nonsensical tweets, such as “Duuuuude,” or “Waaaahhhh,” or “Tweety-twit-twit!”  If you’re 14 or under, that’s okay to do.  I’m still not following you back, but it’s fine.  If you’re 15 or older, stop being an idiot.

23. Your #FF Lists are Miles Long.  You list every single person you follow every single Friday.  Do you really think anyone is going to go through and follow all those people??  Give me two names and tell me why I should follow them.  Then talk about something else.

24. You’re A Little Too Thankful.  You thank everyone for everything.  You don’t need to thank each person who followed you.  You especially don’t need to do it with a single tweet per person (at least stack them up).  Or Direct Message them if you absolutely must personally thank each and every one.  Better yet, just read what they have to say and comment.  Most people like that more than a “thanks for the follow” any day, and it doesn’t clutter up the stream for everyone else.

25. You Protected Your Tweets.  I don’t know if I want to follow you because I can’t see anything you have to say, and I’m not going to go to the trouble of requesting a follow, tracking you, then deciding if I want to keep following or unfollow.  Again–I’m lazy, and that’s way too much work.

26. You Have Ads In Your Tweets. Sure, I’d like to Have 10,000 Followers In Less Than 10 Minutes or Make One Million Dollars While Working An Hour A Day From Home, but I seriously doubt if your links are going to lead to anything but more spam.  If you include spam in your tweets, you’re getting unfollowed (by a lot of people, not just me).  If you tweet spam at me personally, you’re getting blocked. 

27. You’re A Sexy Law Student Trying To Work Your Way Through College.  I don’t want to see your porn site.  Thanks anyway.  Good luck with law school.

28. Your Haikus Aren’t 5-7-5.  No, I’m not kidding.  I seriously will not follow you back if you do this.  Yes, I know haikus that are shorter than 5-7-5 are technically closer to the original Japanese poetry form.  But it just bugs me.  Go ahead and write your short poems, but if they’re not 5-7-5, tag them as #micropoetry and not #haiku.  The obsessive compulsive in me thanks you.

29. I Haven’t Checked My Followers Yet.  The time it takes me to look at new followers can be anywhere between three minutes and three months.  Sometimes I search out new people to follow without looking at who is already following me, so just because I added someone after you followed, doesn’t mean I’ve looked at your page yet.  Be patient and don’t get your panties in a bunch.  I’ll get to it.

30. I Overlooked You.  I’m sorry; it happens.  You’re an amazing, awesome person who doesn’t get carried away with self-promotion, who posts interesting original content, and whose haikus are always done in three lines of 5, 7, and 5 syllables.  I just skipped you by mistake.  Unfollow me and follow me back.

Why do you not follow people back on Twitter?  Add your own thoughts and comments.

What Would Jesus Boycott?

An article was recently posted on beliefnet.com titled Happy Chanukah, Merry Christmas and the December Culture Wars which I found interesting.  Here is an excerpt:

“…why did the American Family Association boycott the Gap, and threaten Best Buy with the same? Did these retailers disparage Christmas? Not at all, and if they had, I would totally support the boycott against them. They simply had not mentioned Christmas in their advertising. That failure was enough to provoke an aggressive campaign, with the one against Gap just terminated when Gap started running ads which celebrate Christmas.”

Click the link above to read the full article. 

Mike Daniels at Paliban Daily also wrote about the AFA/Gap issue in his article GAP Caves to Fundamentalist “Christmas” Demands, in which he provides copies of correspondence from the American Family Association.  In it, the AFA is not satisfied with a Gap commercial that does mention Christmas because, in part, it’s mentioned along with other holidays, including Winter Solstice. 

My Christmas wish is that people take the holiday season as an opportunity to enjoy the beautiful diversity of the human race and the religious freedom afforded to us by the constitution (that includes all religions) and not as an excuse to be a tool.  AFA tools,  take note.

10 Most Awesome Celebs of 2009

Barbara Walters recently came out with her list of Most Fascinating People of 2009.  So I decided I would make my own (and in my humble opinion, even better) list.  Here are my favorite celebrities of ’09…

1. Adam Lambert

Okay, so the whole American Music Awards thing was kind of, well… gay, but not in the good way.  When I heard there was a man-on-man kiss, I was nothing but happy there was finally going to be some media representation of this segment of the population.  But the kiss seemed rushed and awkward and like they were trying way too hard.  It just wasn’t the sexy kiss I was expecting.  (I’m a straight woman, but I still wanted a sexier kiss.)  As for the other controversial “dance move,” well I won’t go there (and really wish Adam hadn’t either).   

But in the end, I don’t really care.  He’s a rock star, and rock stars do weird things.  They take chances and push boundaries.  Sometimes it works out for them, sometimes not.  Adam, like all entertainers, puts himself out there in the public eye for people to praise or tear down, never knowing which it’s going to be.  You have to admire him for that alone.  (Well, you don’t have to, but you should.)  From everything I’ve seen and heard, Adam Lambert seems like a genuine, straight-forward, and kind-hearted person. 

And let’s not forget, that boy can sing.  I will buy every CD he ever puts out.   I love his voice, I dig his personality, and I think he’s awesome (which would explain why he’s on my Most Awesome list).

2. Bethenny Frankel

The Real Housewives of New York has the most memorable and funny lines of any show out there, including non-reality shows with teams of professional writers.  And the reason is this:  Bethenny Frankel.  Her off-the-cuff, no-nonsense commentary is hilarious.  She’s the reason I watched this show beyond Season 1. 

Not only is she funny, she’s intelligent and beautiful and she can cook!  More reasons for her awesomeness:  she owns her own business, she invented a margarita (get the recipe), and she wrote a best-seller (Naturally Thin: Unleash Your SkinnyGirl and Free Yourself from a Lifetime of Dieting). 

Bethenny is currently expecting her first child.  Congratulations, Bethenny–you deserve all the happiness in the world!

3. Bobby Moynihan

One of the funniest people on SNL right now is Bobby Moynihan whose best-known SNL skits are probably the ones where he plays the son of the Italian talk-show host.  He gets surprisingly little air time on the show–I’m not sure what Lorne is thinking.  What I’m thinking is that this guy probably has a majorly awesome career ahead of him which will surpass Saturday Night Live, ala Steve Martin or Mike Myers–he’s that funny.  (My predictions are pretty accurate–see #5.)  I hope to see more of him in movies or other tv shows soon.

4. Brent Spiner

Why is Brent Spiner, aka Data on Star Trek: The Next Generation, on a list for 2009?  Because I discovered something awesome about him this year–his wickedly sarcastic sense of humor.

And I have Twitter to thank.  Without it, I never would have known that Spiner is funny…in a bitter and biting way, but that’s the kind of humor I like best, so it works for me.  Some of my favorite twitter comments from him: 

  • When someone who had been unsuccessfully trying to get him to talk to them on twitter made a comment that they weren’t stupid enough for him to reply to, he chose that comment to answer.  His response:  “Yes you are.” 
  • When someone accused him of only tweeting about his glory days in the 90s, he replied “Not true. I also tweet about the 80s.”
  • When someone asked “What are the prerequisites for you to consider someone an idiot?” he answered “Questions like this.”

If you enjoy being verbally abused, or if you just want a good laugh, you, too, can follow Brent Spiner on Twitter.

5. Chris Pine

Back in 2005, I predicted Chris Pine would be a big star.  I also said Alec Baldwin should focus on comedy, long before he starred in 30 Rock.  I should really have my own network or movie studio (haha).  But enough about me, let’s talk about Chris.  He’s cute, he’s charismatic, and he makes a great Captain Kirk.  It turns out I’m not the only one who thinks he’s awesome.  GQ named him their 2009 Breakout Star of the Year.

I’m going to go waaay out on a limb here and predict that Chris Pine will be in many more Star Trek sequels.  😉

6. Craig Ferguson

I hate talk shows.  They’re just not my thing.  Yet I watch The Late Late Show religiously.  Why?  Because of the awesomeness that is Craig Ferguson.  Besides, where else can you find talking crocodiles, gay Aqua Man, and a weird little lip-syncing guy with suprisingly large biceps in a leather bondage outfit all in one place? 

Also, this is the one talk show where the conversations with the guests aren’t scripted.  Craig keeps it real, and his silly humor and quick wit make this one of the best shows on television.  His latest thing is the “awkward pause” which he uses to take the audience into commercials, as opposed to a round of applause.  I don’t know of anyone other than Ferguson who could turn an awkward pause into something funny and entertaining.  It’s always a great day for America when Craig is on the air.

And if that’s not enough, he’s got a sexy Scottish accent and a bestselling autobiography called American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot.  I bought it and loved it.  I suggest you listen to it on audio, like I did, to get the full effect.

7. Jeremy Davies

You might know him as the scientist guy on the popular television series, Lost, or from the cult-classic movie, CQ, or from his supporting role in Saving Private Ryan.  Or, you might not know him at all.  But you will.

Not only is Jeremy Davies an awesome actor, he brings a little of his own zen-like calm yet quirky demeanor into every role he plays.  He has a presence on screen, and whenever he’s in a scene, my attention is naturally drawn to him.  Any project he takes on is going to be 10 times better just from him being in it.  If I was a casting director, he would be my “go-to” guy, and I expect to see him in more high-profile roles in the future.

8. Maria Lark

So what if Patricia Arquette won an Emmy for her role in Medium?  Anytime Maria Lark (who plays Arquette’s daughter) is in a scene, she steals the show.  You just can’t compete with a cute face like that.  And her acting skills are remarkable.  Maria, who is adopted, was actually born in Siberia.  Though young, she has already co-starred in a hit show and co-hosted The View with Barbara Walters!   How awesome is that?!

I always look forward to episodes of Medium where Maria has a larger role.  I simply adore this amazing, pretty, and talented girl.

9. Travis Wall

Travis was great as a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance, even dancing in the Emmy-winning piece, The Bench.  It turns out his awesome skills extend to choreography, as well.  The numbers he comes up with are not only consistently good, they are usually the stand-out pieces of the show. 

I’m thrilled that shows like So You Think You Can Dance give me a window into the work of gifted and talented dancers and choreographers like Travis.  People are speculating that he’ll get an emmy nomination for his work this year, and I have to agree that he’s certainly deserving of one.

Travis also has his playful side.  On a previous season of SYTYCD, he donned  a sexy red dress and blonde wig and did a silly yet technically challenging and hilariously entertaining dance.  I think the producers pulled the video from youtube, claiming copyright issues (boo! have you never heard of free advertising, dimwits?), but you can see a still photo here.

10. Zachary Quinto

Yes, he played Spock in the Star Trek movie, and yes, he was awesome in it, but that’s not why he’s on the list.  He’s here because of something far more sinister…Sylar.  Zachary Quinto plays Sylar, a sociopath with superpowers, in the tv show, Heroes.  And he’s really good at it.  So much so that whenever I see him in something else, even if it’s just an interview, I get a little chill.  The dude freaks me out.

He has a great role to play in Sylar and skilled writers to thank for some excellent lines, but I don’t think anybody else could deliver those lines quite like Zachary Quinto.  Sylar is a bad, bad man, but he has so much fun being evil that I kind of look forward to him wreaking havoc with the other characters’ lives.  Sylar will stand out as one of the most memorable villains of all time, even after Heroes is no longer on the air, and we have Zachary Quinto to thank for that. 

* * *

So there’s my list of the most awesome celebs of 2009.  Agree?  Disagree?  Have someone you’d like to add?  Leave a comment and tell me your thoughts.

Fiction/Poetry Contest, $2K Prize!

The Crazyhorse Literary Journal is offering a $2,000 (!!) prize for a short story or poem.  The catch — you have to pay for a 1 year/2 issue subscription ($16).  It sounds like a pretty good deal if you are reading and submitting to literary journals anyway.  You can also enter multiple times, and each additional fee gets you an additional year’s subscription.  Sweet.

Deadline is January 15, 2010.

400 lb. Gingerbread House

Check out this elaborate 400-lb. White House replica gingerbread house, complete with a sugary replica of Bo, the white house dog.  This gingerbread house took 6 weeks to make.

Amazingly, Disney’s Grand Floridian has a tradition of building gingerbread houses that make that one look tiny!  The 2008 Grand Floridian gingerbread house used 1,050 lbs. of honey, alone.  It took over 2 months to make.

To see more not-quite-as-big but still incredibly cool gingerbread houses, check out toptenz.net’s 10 Clever Gingerbread Houses, which includes a gingerbread mansion, gingerbread bridge, and gingerbread townhomes.

A lot of these gingerbread houses are nicer and probably cost more than my actual house.  But at least nobody is going to eat my house. 😉

City of the Future Using Green Technology We Have Today

The Green MegaCity is a virtual “eco-savvy blueprint” for the city of the future — using technology that has already been invented.  Very cool graphic interface, so you can see what the city looks like, as well as read about the innovations which would make this a futuristic paradise.

Now if we can just get somebody to build it.

Donald Trump, are you reading this?…

Writers Conference Quotes, Fan Wu

Lovely guest speaker this morning at the Southern California Writers Conference by the name of Fan Wu.  Here are some quotes I jotted down during her presentation:

“Edit your manuscript like it’s written by your worst enemy.”

“If you write well and you have some substance, you will resonate with other minds and hearts.”

“Looking for an agent is not very easy; sometimes it’s harder than finding the perfect husband or wife.”

Attending Writers Conference

Hi, everyone. I’m attending the Southern California Writers’ Conference for the next couple of days. This is my first writers conference, so I had no idea what to expect. I’ll be posting updates about my experiences on Twitter if you want to know what’s going on (twitter.com/mewritewords).

Middle Aged — That Phrase is Getting Old

I recently had a birthday, and I’m wondering how long I can go on describing myself as “middle-aged.”  People seem to hold on to that term for far longer than it applies to them.  At some point, you have to stop shutting out reality and just admit you’re old.

What’s the official year one switches from being a “middle-aged woman” to a “really old chick”?  And do I have to stop using the term “chick” altogether?  Is it time to start referring to myself, and everyone else, as “gal”?

These are the questions that plague me today.

Zoo Sex Spammers – Maybe You Should Re-Think Your Business Plan

I just got 67 spam messages for:

  • animal sex
  • horse sex
  • zoo sex

Somebody went to a lot of trouble to set up sites for these subjects and send out thousands of messages all across the web.  So, what I’m wondering is…is there really that big of a market for this that it’s even worth it???

Free business advice for sicko porn peddlers:  I’m not going to visit your site either way, but I suggest you stick to housewives, college girls, and twins.  It doesn’t take a marketing genius to figure out that’s probably where the money is.