Why I Didn’t Follow You Back On Twitter

You followed me on Twitter but I haven’t followed you back.  What gives?  Is there a technical glitch, did I not see your follow, or am I just a stuck-up wench who is snubbing you?  Here are 30 reasons why I didn’t follow you back on Twitter.  Do any of these describe you…

1. You’re a Self-Promoting Machine.  Every tweet asks me to “check out” something that has to do with you making money off of me, whether it’s a speaking engagement, interview, or your own website.  This is especially disappointing when writers do it, as I love to follow writers back.  But not when they annoy me with pages and pages of self-aggrendizing spam.

2. Every Tweet is a Link to Your Blog.  Why don’t I just bookmark your blog then?  What is the point of even being on Twitter?  Linking back to your own site is fine, just not in every single tweet.  About 1 self-link per 20 tweets is a good rule of thumb.

3. You Cuss–A Lot.  Okay, I admit it.  I swear in real life.  And I don’t mind it in literature or movies so long as it fits the story line.  But for some reason, cussing on twitter is just not kosher.  I’m not sure why.  You can do it every once in a while to get it out of your system, but if every other tweet contains profanity, I just don’t want to hear what you have to say because what you have to say is kind of nasty.

4. Dis And Dat.  You say “da” in place of “the” or “dat” in place of “that.”  If I get to a “da” or a “dat,” I don’t read any further.  There is nothing cool about looking like an illiterate moron.  Whoever told you there was, lied.  Stop doing “dat.”

5. You Have a Sticky Shift Key.  You have RaNDom caPiTaLs in your posts.  Why go out of your way to make your tweets difficult to read?  Isn’t the whole point to have other people read them?  OR YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS.  Maybe people did that in the 80’s when they were just getting used to computer keyboards, but there is no excuse to do it now.  Stop shouting at me.  I’m right here.

6. Your Avatar is Ugly And It Freaks Me Out.  I don’t care if you are homely looking.  That’s not what I’m talking about.  And I’m sorry that God gave you bad DNA.  But some people purposely put up ugly or freaky photos.  I’m all for artistic expression, but if your avatar is something I don’t want to stare at all day, then I’m not going to follow you.

7. Your Avatar is Nasty And It Freaks Me Out.  I don’t want to see a picture of your butt, your cleavage, or your butt cleavage.  Euuuwwe.  What about a photo of a nice sunset?

8. You Post A Lot of Hate Tweets.  You target a celebrity or random twitter user and tweet pages of hate messages at them.  If they bug you that much, don’t talk to them.  If they’re talking to you, block them.  If you absolutely must blast them, say it in 140 characters and then shut up.

9. You Never Talk to Anyone.  You’re carrying on a running monologue.  I looked at two pages of your Twitter account and not once did you engage with anyone else, retweet, or have a conversaton.  Newsflash:  it’s not always all about you.

10. I Can’t Read Your Page.  Your font is light gray, light pink, or light yellow.  What are you thinking??  I can’t read that.  You might be super cool in every other way, but if you’re too stupid to use a readable font, then we can never be friends. 

11. You Talk About Sports.  A lot.  Unless it’s the Olympics, I’m not a fan.  A few sporty posts are fine, but what else are you into?

12. You Talk About Politics.  A lot.  You are way smarter than I am, and I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I can’t hang out with you.

13. You’re Gross.

14. You Call People Honey. Or sweety. Or, the worst offence of all, tweetheart.  You might think that’s cute, but trust me, it’s not.  If you’ve been talking to someone for a long time and you feel especially fond of them, then throw in a “honey” every now and then.  But if you do it habitually, then I can’t read your page without gagging, so it’s a no-follow for you.

15. You Have Your Own Special Tag.  You add a little tag to the end of all your tweets.  It might be your name or a cutesy word or a tagline you made up.  You think it makes you memorable and makes your tweets stand out.  And it does, just not in a good way.  I can see your name right by your tweet, I know who you are, you don’t need a tagline.

16. Your Tweets Start with “Is.”  Maybe you’re auto-updating from MySpace.  I don’t know.  All I know is that tweets that start with “is” are awkward to read on Twitter.  So stop it.

17. You Have Nothing Original To Say.  Ninety-nine percent of your posts are news links or retweets  or quotes.  Worse, they are quotes you’re not crediting to the original source.  I want to hear from you.  What are you doing right now?  What are you hopes, dreams, fears?  Talk to me.

18. You’re The Mayor of Whatever.  A large number of your tweets are automatically generated.  Things like:  what you just became the mayor of, what survey you just took and which Twilight character you are, how you’re doing in the mafia, or the GPS coordinates of where you’re currently at.  If that last one fits you, then don’t worry.  I’m not going to follow you from this account, but I’ll follow you from my other one…the one where I track people dumb enough to tell me their exact coordinates all day long so that I can easily burglarize their homes.  Thanks in advance for all the nice stuff.

19. You Have One-Sided Conversations.  You have lots to say, and you talk to many other Twitter users.  Good for you!  But you never reference the original comment, so I have no idea what you’re talking about when you reply to others.  I don’t want my stream filled up with a bunch of tweets that make no sense to me.  Let me in on the conversation.  I might have something to add.

20. Say What’d You Say?  I have no idea what you just said.  You’re either so intelligent that your conversations are way over my head or you have some sort of mental disorder that prevents you from forming a coherent sentence.  Either way, I can’t connect with you.

21. Many of Your Tweets are in Another Language.  I’m lazy.  I’m sorry.  I’m not going to run your tweets through a translator.  You’re probably really interesting–I’ll never know.  My loss.

22. You’re An Idiot.  You have lots of one-word or nonsensical tweets, such as “Duuuuude,” or “Waaaahhhh,” or “Tweety-twit-twit!”  If you’re 14 or under, that’s okay to do.  I’m still not following you back, but it’s fine.  If you’re 15 or older, stop being an idiot.

23. Your #FF Lists are Miles Long.  You list every single person you follow every single Friday.  Do you really think anyone is going to go through and follow all those people??  Give me two names and tell me why I should follow them.  Then talk about something else.

24. You’re A Little Too Thankful.  You thank everyone for everything.  You don’t need to thank each person who followed you.  You especially don’t need to do it with a single tweet per person (at least stack them up).  Or Direct Message them if you absolutely must personally thank each and every one.  Better yet, just read what they have to say and comment.  Most people like that more than a “thanks for the follow” any day, and it doesn’t clutter up the stream for everyone else.

25. You Protected Your Tweets.  I don’t know if I want to follow you because I can’t see anything you have to say, and I’m not going to go to the trouble of requesting a follow, tracking you, then deciding if I want to keep following or unfollow.  Again–I’m lazy, and that’s way too much work.

26. You Have Ads In Your Tweets. Sure, I’d like to Have 10,000 Followers In Less Than 10 Minutes or Make One Million Dollars While Working An Hour A Day From Home, but I seriously doubt if your links are going to lead to anything but more spam.  If you include spam in your tweets, you’re getting unfollowed (by a lot of people, not just me).  If you tweet spam at me personally, you’re getting blocked. 

27. You’re A Sexy Law Student Trying To Work Your Way Through College.  I don’t want to see your porn site.  Thanks anyway.  Good luck with law school.

28. Your Haikus Aren’t 5-7-5.  No, I’m not kidding.  I seriously will not follow you back if you do this.  Yes, I know haikus that are shorter than 5-7-5 are technically closer to the original Japanese poetry form.  But it just bugs me.  Go ahead and write your short poems, but if they’re not 5-7-5, tag them as #micropoetry and not #haiku.  The obsessive compulsive in me thanks you.

29. I Haven’t Checked My Followers Yet.  The time it takes me to look at new followers can be anywhere between three minutes and three months.  Sometimes I search out new people to follow without looking at who is already following me, so just because I added someone after you followed, doesn’t mean I’ve looked at your page yet.  Be patient and don’t get your panties in a bunch.  I’ll get to it.

30. I Overlooked You.  I’m sorry; it happens.  You’re an amazing, awesome person who doesn’t get carried away with self-promotion, who posts interesting original content, and whose haikus are always done in three lines of 5, 7, and 5 syllables.  I just skipped you by mistake.  Unfollow me and follow me back.

Why do you not follow people back on Twitter?  Add your own thoughts and comments.

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